Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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