The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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