You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
