it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
