I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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