I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
