There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
