Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
