I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
