You work out of a Hotel?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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