Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
