Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
