i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
