This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
