he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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