My Higher Power is John Stamos
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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