Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
