I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
