Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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