nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
