my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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