Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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