someone threw a dead crab at me
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
