The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
