Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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