I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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