My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
