Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
