my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I wish you could order shots online.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
