I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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