This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
