we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
