watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
