The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
