he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
