my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
