I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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