my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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