I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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