What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my shit smells like andre
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
