I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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