I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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