mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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