we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
organizing the empties. That sober.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
