Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
