i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
