so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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