Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
