Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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