please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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