gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
