if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
