you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
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